It's amazing how one friend request on Facebook can turn a persons world inside out. I have spent the last 11 years trying to protect my kids from anymore pain from their father. Out of the blue he requests them as a friend. Emotions have been all over the place. I am stuck between a double edged sword. The kids want to know their dad. They are curious. All the younger two have heard are bad stories that the older two remember. I have always told them that their dad loves them, he just made bad choices that caused him to lose everything. It is hard for me to see them invision him as the monster he was to me 85% of the time. After all they are half him. I think they get the feeling that they are bad because their father is. I have tried so hard to get them to understand that that is not the case at all.
They have made contact with their cousin whom is their dads sister's kid. These are cousins that they used to love to play with and an aunt that always helped take care of them. We lost touch with them when their house was torn down. They didn't have my information because I didn't give it to them in fear of it getting into their dads hands. I have felt guilt for years over them not being able to grow up together. They are good people.
I let the restraining order expire and didn't renew it because you have to list your address. DUH! Why the hell would I want him to know where we moved to! What do I do? Throw the paper at him when he shows up high and drunk. I can't always expect that my sister can run over and scare him off with her gun again.or the police will show up right on time with pepper spray and handcuffs. I guess I need to get me some spray and a weapon. Anyway, the cousin and aunt say that he is living in mexico and is not able to enter the USA again or he will be a lifer behind bars.
I can only pray that this is true. I can not trust him. The one photo I saw of him posted on facebook, he was holding a beer. Hello! Has he not learned anything?
I hate that my kids think that their dad doesn't love them. I hate that I have one in tears because she feels like if he loved her he would want to change. I know her pain because I went through it for years with him. Of course I gave her the he loves you and you can't change anyone, they have to be ready for the change speech, but I know that is so hard to understand. It took me years to understand that and I was an adult. I don't know how else to comfort her. She is torn and hurt. She wants to know her dad and doesn't understand how 11 years later he reaches out.
I hate old demons. Why do they have to turn your world inside out again! This sucks. I don't want him to reach out and tell them lies about me either. His dad told him how horrible his mom was and told all sorts of lies about her to him. He was convinved she was a horrible person until I made him go with me to meet her. He realized then that his dad had been full of shit, I don't want to worry about any back and forth tug a war with their emotions and beliefs.
Does this mean I have to communicate with him as well to stay on a civil level for the kids sake? Even looking at a picture of him makes me shake. This sucks! I was just getting to the point that I could sleep at night without having the alarm in our rental. Hell sleep is over rated anyway right? I hate this!!!
I pray that my daughters take their time and really get to know someone before getting "pg". I don't want my future grandchildren to have to go through anything like this.
Anyhow, I know this wasn't a very entertaining or funny blog, but I needed to vent and this is kind of like a journal for me! :(
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